Age 29, from I Am Yours

December 29, 2017

 

Age 29, taken while I was dating a man who, while dating me, had a harem of other women.

 

Here's the catch: I knew. Still, I let myself be with him.

 

At 29, I hadn't done the work yet to understand and heal my past. All I knew was that for reasons unclear to my eyes, I had a penchant for filling myself with pain, starvation, anorexia, while surrounding myself with people and pastimes that degraded my body and ignored my value. I would watch myself move through these decisions, horrified and fascinated by my actions.

 

Finally, I started connecting Why. I started tracing my narrative to learn that unhealed wounds had metastasized as self-harm in various ways. Human beings, we are experience and response.

 

Experience and response. This applies as well to the cast of characters we align ourselves with in life. Often, people will treat us based on what we teach them about ourselves. In the case of this man, all he was doing was responding to the way I treated myself, the energy I exuded, the expectations and behavior I accepted.

 

Only I author my life. If I had the power treat myself unkindly and to respond to life negatively, then I have equal quantity of capability to behave in an empowering, loving manner.

 

We are the authors of our lives. Everything we need to heal and triumph, we hold within. We are love, ever-deserving, unfolding, and rising.

 

I love you.

 

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