December 29, 2017

Age 29, taken while I was dating a man who, while dating me, had a harem of other women.

Here's the catch: I knew. Still, I let myself be with him.

At 29, I hadn't done the work yet to understand and heal my past. All I knew was that for reasons unclear to my eyes, I had a penchant for filling myself with pain, starvation, anorexia, while surrounding myself with peo...

December 22, 2017

Age 23, a headshot taken soon after I had been raped.

Being an actress is a strange existence. We’re trained to speak beautifully, but only, the words assigned to us by others. Through it all we’re studied. Scrutinized. Photographed. Directed. Sculpted. Polished until shining. Dare we not shine or speak or behave precisely the way expected and desired, we are bidde...

December 15, 2017

Age 29, taken just before leaving New York, to start anew.

For years, I had said “Yes” to any job. Any man. Any and every social invitation. Constantly pinballing between jobs, relationships, expectations, any project started on my own was swept to the periphery, soon abandoned. I hardly ate, slept, or had the energy to connect a full thought; my entire day was de...

December 8, 2017

Age 27, taken a month after my ex-husband and I separated.

For years, I lived as the girl the world preferred me to be. Silence was part of this role. As was starvation. As was self-hatred.

Silenced and unhealed assaults had compounded, and I had grown to believe my voice and I mattered very little in this world. We mattered so little that to apologize for the spa...

December 1, 2017

Age 24, taken minutes into a photo-shoot when the photographer announced it was time for me to expose my breasts.

In the conversations leading up to the shoot, never once was nudity discussed let alone agreed upon.

I’ve been modeling for photographers since age 15. I’ve posed nude in a handful of shoots, before this one and after, for female and gay photographers....

November 24, 2017

Age 28, taken on Rockaway Beach, around 2am.

Gratitude has extraordinary power. I feel it’s the emotion that distinguishes human beings from other animals. Insofar, perhaps our capacity for gratitude is the definition of being human. It is said that gratitude has the strength to evict anger, that anger and thankfulness cannot exist in the same space simultaneousl...

November 17, 2017

Age 4, taken around the time I invented an imaginary best friend. I named her, “Love”.

Love appeared one night as I was falling asleep. That night I was awake when I felt something move by the window. There on the sill was Love. Watching.

She said, "I am here. I love you. I am yours."

So began our friendship. She had arrived to deliver comfort, wisdom, protection...

November 9, 2017

Age 27, taken while I was still with my ex-husband.

Ours was a cruel love.

A picture holds a thousands words. Equally true is we see in others only what we wish to see, filtered through the beliefs we project.

You may see a lovely, young girl. I see a woman drowning in the slipstream of her husband’s shadow.

He used to call them “sister-wives”. He’d say, “Baby, it’s f...

November 2, 2017

Age 18, Bangkok, taken during the time I was being stalked by my high school Psychology teacher.

He would send me three-page long letters, written entirely in red ink. Every word was capitalized, his handwriting so uniformly erect that it seemed like font. He figured out my class schedule, and would wait until I was in Biology, Physics, Calculus to call me on the c...

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